“I was so busy being a mum, I didn’t have time to be a daughter.”
Words by Rebecca Mackay Miller
Working so closely with Kate to build her vision for We Are The Helpful, we talked more intimately about her experience of losing her Mum than we might have otherwise. Her words were as ever poignant, honest, and reflective, but this simple, disarming phrase struck me as so universally relatable.
We all wear so many hats, but what happens when those hats become incompatible, and you’re forced to choose just one?
Here, our Founder Kate, share’s her own story, and what really helped her through.
Kate had already planned to go home to Australia for Christmas. Her brother knew, but she’d been planning to surprise the rest of her family. This came crashing down the moment Kate learnt that her beautiful Mum had been unexpectedly diagnosed with an unexpected form of Cancer. Within 2.5 months, she would be gone.
Flights already booked; in less than a week she was with her family but, unable to take the time off work, her husband had to stay in the UK. Alongside the uncertainty and utter heartbreak, Kate was solo parenting and bearing the weight of shielding her 3 year old daughter from the heaviness and heartache alone.
In the weeks that followed “every day was a new worst”.
Kate’s time was spent in and out of the hospital. Routines were unpredictable and scattered, headspace non-existent. Her body hurt, her hair started falling out, she wasn’t sleeping or eating properly, if at all and if they weren't free-flowing, tears were always just under the surface.
As a Founder, Kate made promises she couldn’t keep, which impacted her confidence. She missed calls from friends and family because she just couldn’t deal with another conversation about what was going on, which in hindsight only contributed to a very real sense of isolation.
Not hearing from people was the worst of all though.
“My life got smaller” Kate shared. Everything beyond her daughter, mum, and immediate family was put on hold.
“To be honest, I felt selfish at times“, she confessed. This sense of being a burden or inconvenience is all too common, but in truth, as Kate later reflected, “everyone WANTED to help me, but I didn’t know how to ask for or accept it.” This is a theme we explore in more depth, here.
In the end it was the way her Inner Circle showed up for her, that got Kate through.
“I admitted to my sister in law that I needed help, and she was so happy to help look after my daughter whenever I needed.” Because of all of the change and stress around them, Kate had worried this might make her daughter Rosie anxious, but she had the best time, “she probably needed a break from me!” she laughed.
Her oldest friends rallied too. A massage was booked, childcare arranged. A girlfriend gave up her own hair appointment for Kate and nourishing skincare gifted which all “just made me feel human again, and gave me few precious hours to myself.”
Fresh, healthy frozen meals were delivered, along with good quality protein powder and green supplements to ensure that when it was needed, there was nourishing food in the cupboard.
Gifts of books and toys ensured there was plenty of love and attention on her daughter and allowed for pockets of self-play.
Words, so often overlooked in these moments, helped too.
“Hearing from people who’d experienced something similar made me feel less alone and were a powerful reminder that this is a part of life.” Random silly stuff also played a role “there’s nothing like a well-timed meme to jolt you out of your current reality and into a funnier one, even if just for a moment.”
So, what did the experience teach Kate, I asked her.
“That there really is nothing like your Inner Circle”.
What Kate realised during their last get together before she flew back to Scotland, was that even though she was the reason they were all there, it wasn’t just about her; her friends needed it too. The simple act of spending quality time with the people you love the most really is everything.
And when life happens, if you do nothing else, tighten your grip on your Inner Circle, and don’t let go.
