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The Art of Showing Up Through Grief |
<p><span style="color: var(--redactor2-text-color);"></span></p>
<p>Knowing how to support someone experiencing grief and loss can feel overwhelming.</p>
<p>What do they need? What should you say? What should you not say? It’s natural to worry about getting it wrong.</p>
<p>But here’s the truth: there are no perfect words. The worst thing you can say? Nothing at all.</p>
<p>A lack of acknowledgment can cut deep. It might not be obvious in the immediate chaos of loss, but down the track, the silence speaks volumes. When someone is facing one of life’s hardest moments - losing a loved one - hearing from those they hold close can make all the difference.</p>
<p>I get it though - truly (guilt and shame aren’t welcome here). Many of us simply don't know how to navigate grief; how to acknowledge it, how to hold space for it, or how to sit with its discomfort. And because we care so deeply, we want to do something to make it better, to help carry the weight.</p>
<p>But grief isn’t something that can be fixed. It’s not a problem to be solved. It’s a part of life that must be lived through, and that journey can feel isolating and overwhelming.</p>
<p>While we can’t take away the pain, we can lighten the load. We can help someone feel seen, supported, and less alone. Thoughtful sympathy gifts can be a meaningful way to show up - offering comfort when words fall short. Whether it’s a small gesture or a more intentional offering, the right gift for grief can remind someone they are not alone in their sorrow.</p>
<p>Based on my personal experience and countless conversations when building We are The Helpful, here are some of the most meaningful ways to show up:</p>
<p><strong>CONNECTION</strong></p>
<ul><li><strong>Words matter:</strong> A simple text, a letter, a card, a phone call - <i>anything</i>. Acknowledging their loss, even with something as simple as <i>“I don’t have the right words, but I want you to know I’m here”</i>, is powerful.</li><li><strong>Quality time:</strong> Maybe it’s sitting in silence side by side on the couch. Maybe it’s regular walks or wild swims. You know them best - choose and suggest what feels right. Grief is isolating, and simply physically <i>being there</i> can make a world of difference.</li><li><strong>Small gestures:</strong> Random heart emojis, funny memes, or a gentle check-in without expectations. Don’t be discouraged if they don’t respond. Just knowing someone is thinking of them means more than you realise.</li></ul>
<p><strong>FOOD + NOURISHMENT</strong></p>
<p>One of the most common answers when people are asked what helped them through grief is <i>food.</i></p>
<ul><li><a href="https://wearethehelpful.com/feed-nourish/pre-made-meals/">Pre-made meals</a> for the fridge or freezer</li><li>A mix of <a href="https://wearethehelpful.com/feed-nourish/fresh-hampers/">healthy and indulgent treats</a> to just grab when needed, and;</li><li><a href="https://wearethehelpful.com/feed-nourish/kids/">Healthy, ready-to-eat meals for kids</a></li><li>High quality supplements to provide a little extra support against total physical and mental depletion</li></ul>
<p>Grief is exhausting. Making sure they eat, even when they don’t feel like it, relieves one of the many mental loads they’re carrying. And if the griever is a parent of young children, supporting them with some go-to kids food items is a total game changer to help them stay afloat. </p>
<p><strong>SELF-CARE</strong></p>
<p>It might seem small, but grief pushes self-care to the bottom of the list. Actually, it could be more accurate to say that self care falls off the list completely. Thoughtful gifts that encourage even the tiniest acts of self-care can be deeply meaningful.</p>
<ul><li><a href="https://wearethehelpful.com/family-self-care/">Skincare</a> to introduce a manageable self care ritual</li><li>A <a href="https://wearethehelpful.com/family-self-care/clean-organise/sage-writing-journal-school-of-life-clone/">journal</a> for reflection and sense-making, because sometimes the thoughts are better out than in</li><li><a href="https://wearethehelpful.com/family-self-care/this-is-incense-yamba-clone/">Incense</a> or candles to create a sense of peace </li></ul>
<p><strong>HELP WITH THE KIDS</strong></p>
<p>Another one of the most repeated needs when asked? <i>Help with the kids.</i></p>
<ul><li>Offering babysitting or childcare</li><li>Providing activities that encourage pockets of independent play and a little colour and joy</li><li><a href="https://wearethehelpful.com/grief-loss/books-coming-soon/">Thoughtful storybooks</a> that help children understand loss</li><li>Simply showing up to share the load</li></ul>
<p>Grieving parents are navigating their own heartbreak while also holding space for their children. Any extra support is a gift.</p>
<p><strong>MOVEMENT</strong></p>
<p>Movement and fresh air can be grounding during grief. Sometimes, it’s hard to motivate ourselves to go outside, so having a friend who gently encourages it helps.</p>
<ul><li>A walk, whether filled with words or in comfortable silence</li><li>A swim in the sea or a lake</li><li>A yoga class or another form of movement that helps process emotions and offers a sense of grounding</li></ul>
<p><strong>A CALM HOME & HEADSPACE</strong></p>
<p>Loss changes a space. It can be overwhelming to face tasks like clearing out belongings or reorganising a home that’s suddenly different.</p>
<ul><li>Helping with decluttering or cleaning</li><li>Offering practical support for <a href="https://wearethehelpful.com/family-self-care/clean-organise/">home organisation</a> (we have a number of exclusive offerings designed for this life event by our amazing growing list of Home Services Partners)</li><li><a href="https://wearethehelpful.com/family-self-care/clean-organise/sage-writing-journal-school-of-life/">Journals</a> or guided prompts to encourage reflection</li></ul>
<p><strong>LONG-TERM SUPPORT MATTERS</strong></p>
<p>Grief doesn’t disappear after the funeral. Sometimes, the hardest moments come months later when the check-ins have stopped, but the pain is still raw. Anniversaries, birthdays, seasonal holidays; these milestones can bring a fresh wave of loss.</p>
<p>Being there <i>after</i> the initial wave of support fades is just as important.</p>
<p>We were never meant to do this alone. We need each other - to bear witness to the highs and the lows, to sit beside each other in both the joy and the pain that’s inevitably going to hit as we move through life. </p>
<p>And actually, there’s no more powerful reminder of this than loss. At the end of the day, the only thing that truly matters is our connection to each other. </p>
<p>So, when in doubt, just show up. Even if it feels imperfect, even if you fumble your words. Because showing up - <i>truly</i> showing up - is the greatest gift we can offer.</p>
<p>Kate x</p>
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grief, loss, helpful gifts, sympathy gifts, death |
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What to Say When Someone Dies: Finding the Right Words in Life’s Hardest Moments |
<p><span style="color: var(--redactor2-text-color);">There are few moments in life more difficult than hearing that someone has lost a loved one. </span></p>
<p>The weight of their grief can feel so heavy that words seem inadequate. What could possibly be said to ease that sort of pain? The truth is, no words can take away loss - but the right ones can offer comfort, warmth and connection when it’s needed most.</p>
<p>At We Are The Helpful, we believe in showing up with kindness, presence and the kind of support that truly makes a difference. So if you’re struggling with what to say when someone dies, here are a few gentle ways to offer your love and support.</p>
<p><strong>1. Keep It Simple and Heartfelt</strong></p>
<p>You don’t need the perfect words, you just need sincerity. A simple “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “I’m here for you” can mean the world. Acknowledging their grief without trying to fix it or tell them what they should be doing is one of the most powerful things you can do.</p>
<p><strong>2. Share a Memory</strong></p>
<p>If you knew the person who passed away, sharing a small memory or reflection can bring comfort. Something like “I’ll always remember how your dad made everyone laugh” or “Your sister had such a kind heart - she made everyone feel welcome” helps keep their loved one’s presence alive.</p>
<p><strong>3. Offer Support Without Pressure</strong></p>
<p>Grief is overwhelming, and sometimes even answering “Let me know if you need anything” can feel like too much. Instead, offer specific help:</p>
<ul><li>“I’d love to drop off a meal this week - what night would work best?”</li><li>“I’m free on Tuesday to pick up the kids or run any errands - just say the word.”</li><li>“I know things must feel heavy right now. How about a walk or a coffee when you’re ready?” or, “I’m going to be walking on Tuesday mornings around your neighborhood, you’re so welcome to join me”.</li></ul>
<p><strong>4. Hold Space for Their Feelings</strong></p>
<p>Everyone grieves differently. Some people want to talk, others need quiet support. Instead of trying to find the right thing to say, sometimes just listening is enough. A simple “How are you feeling today?” or “I’m here whenever you want to talk” reminds them they’re not alone.</p>
<p><strong>5. Avoid Clichés and Fix-It Phrases</strong></p>
<p>Even with the best intentions, certain phrases can feel dismissive or unhelpful, like:
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“At least they lived a long life.”
“They wouldn’t want you to be sad.”</p>
<p>Grief isn’t something to be solved - it’s something to be supported. Instead of looking for silver linings, simply acknowledge their pain and be there with them in it.</p>
<p><strong>6. Keep Checking In</strong></p>
<p>Grief doesn’t follow a timeline. After the funeral, after the messages slow down, after life starts moving forward for everyone else, your continued presence will mean everything. A simple text - Thinking of you today”, “How are you holding up?”, or “I’m still here if you ever need to talk” - reminds them that their loss isn’t forgotten.</p>
<p><strong>7. Offer Distraction and Lightness</strong></p>
<p>Sometimes, grief is too heavy to put into words. It also becomes a constant visitor - one that has now permanently moved in and is forcing the griever to learn to live with its constant presence. And sometimes what someone really needs is a moment of relief. So offering a distraction - whether it’s a funny memory, a movie night, or just talking about something completely unrelated - can be a gift in itself. A simple <em>“I saw something today that made me laugh and thought of you”</em> or an invitation to do something lighthearted can help provide a small but meaningful break from the weight of loss. It’s not about ignoring grief but allowing space for moments of respite. No deep talk required - just a gesture to let them know you're with them.</p>
<p><strong>Showing Up Matters More than the Words</strong></p>
<p>At the heart of it all, it’s not about saying the perfect thing (because that doesn’t exist), it’s about being there. Whether it’s through a kind message, a thoughtful action, or a comforting gift, showing up with love and care makes all the difference.</p>
<p>If you want to offer something tangible alongside your words, our <a href="https://wearethehelpful.com/grief-loss/">Grief & Loss gift edit</a> is designed to bring comfort when it’s needed most. Thoughtfully curated with nourishment, self-care, and gentle support, it’s a way to say, “I see you, I’m here, and I care.”</p>
<p>Because in life’s hardest moments, the smallest gestures of kindness can mean everything.</p>
<p><strong>Who We Are</strong></p>
<p>At We Are The Helpful, we believe that the most meaningful gifts go beyond just things - they offer care, comfort, and connection. Our grief and loss gifting philosophy is rooted in the idea that true support comes in many forms: a moment of nourishment, a touch of self-care, or a thoughtful gesture that says, “You are not alone.”</p>
<p>Our carefully curated <a href="https://wearethehelpful.com/grief-loss/">Grief & Loss Gift gift edit</a> is designed to provide real, practical comfort - whether it’s a warm drink, a quiet moment of reflection, or a little help with everyday life. When words feel impossible, these gifts help show up for the people you love in ways that truly matter.</p>
<p></p> |
Bereavement gifts, sympathy gifts, sympathy gift hampers, gifts for grieving parents, self care hamper, care package ideas |
Struggling to find the right words after a loss? This guide offers thoughtful ways to support someone grieving—what to say, what to avoid, and how to truly show up with care, comfort, and connection. |
What to Say When Someone Dies: Finding the Right Words in Life’s Hardest Moments |
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We are The Helpful Started with a Question: How can I help her through this? |
<p><span style="color: var(--redactor2-text-color);">That one question has led me to hundreds of conversations, deep research, and invaluable insights into what truly helps when life happens. Whether it’s busyness, overwhelm, excitement, new life, loss, illness, recovery, marriage, divorce, parenting, menopause, career highs and lows - the list goes on.</span></p>
<p>My reason? I don’t believe we should navigate these moments alone. But as life gets busier, it often feels like we are. Strangely, even with everything at our fingertips, showing up for the ones we love can feel harder than ever. And it’s not because we don’t care (we do); it’s because we don’t always know how.</p>
<p>What if <strong>helpful gifting - </strong>gifting that truly supports and uplifts - was easier?</p>
<p>What if we started sharing stories, insights, and real-life experiences to help ourselves and our loved ones through life’s hardest (and even happiest) transitions?</p>
<p>What if those insights reshaped how we think about <strong>group gifting</strong>, turning it into something more meaningful - something that allows a community to rally around a friend or family member when they need it most?</p>
<p>Three years later, I’m incredibly proud to say that these learnings have led to <strong>We are The Helpful - </strong>a curated gifting marketplace focused on gifting help, not just stuff. And now, the site is live.</p>
<p>Every product and service featured is informed by real customer stories - the experiences I’ve gathered from countless conversations about what truly helps. <strong>We are The Helpful</strong> is designed to answer the question: <em>"How can I support them through this?", </em>whether that means a small gesture or a group effort to provide meaningful care.</p>
<p>This is just the beginning. The more I learn, the stronger the site becomes. So if you have a story to share, feedback, or insights, I would love to hear from you. <strong>We are The Helpful</strong> is built on your experiences- on what actually made a difference when life happened.</p>
<p>So tell me, what helped you most?</p>
<p>I’d love to hear your story (and I mean that - you can contact me <a href="mailto:kate@wearethehelpful.com">here</a>).</p>
<p>Kate x</p> |
We are The Helpful, Helpful Gifting, Group gifting, gifts for her, how do I help her, sympathy gifts, gifts for new Mums |
How I came to build We are The Helpful, and why Helpful Gifting is so important for the ones we love |
We are The Helpful Started with the Question |
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The Sandwich Generation: Why Helpful Gifting is more needed, by more people, than ever before |
<p>Move over Avo-on-Toast, there’s a new food analogy in town and Millennials, it’s coming for you.<br></p>
<p>As a decade your 30’s used to be considered the sweet spot. You’ve established your career, maybe settled in a relationship, perhaps you’ve started a family or are thinking about it. You’ve done the figuring out. You know yourself. You’re making life happen, rather than feeling like it’s happening, to you.</p>
<p>Or so you thought. Research from across the globe shows this may no longer be the case, and that a potent mix of societal trends and increased responsibilities are creating a generation of overwhelmed and exhausted women who, far from living the dream, find themselves struggling to come up for air.</p>
<p><b>Meet the Sandwich Generation.</b> </p>
<p>First up, what is the Sandwich Generation?</p>
<p>Well, it’s us. And you. </p>
<p>Often characterised by women who are balancing both the role of a mother and parental carer, a <a href="https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0157469#pone.0157469.ref006">2015 study</a> expanded the definition to add ‘and worker’ to the description. </p>
<p>It’s not a new idea. </p>
<p>Coined in 1981 by Professor Dorothy Miller, it was initially considered the domain of middle-aged women. Driven by societal trends, such as having kids later in life and an ageing population, <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/2023-01-11/sandwich-generation-women-caring-for-children-and-their-parents/101685058">researcher Megan Godwin</a> now believes the “sandwich” incorporates women as young as in their early 30’s. </p>
<p>I’m sure you can relate. For many of us modern life looks like bringing up a young family, looking after our parents, career progression, running a business, paying a mortgage, marriage, divorce, laughter, loss. </p>
<p>Factor in the gendered nature of care (one thing that hasn’t changed) and it’s no surprise that as a generation we’re exhausted, overwhelmed, isolated. </p>
<p>It’s a lot. </p>
<p>An article written by the <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/2023-01-11/sandwich-generation-women-caring-for-children-and-their-parents/101685058">ABC (Australia),</a> explored the growing pressures on those who find themselves in the sandwich generation, and the impact it’s having on wellbeing, "as a woman, trying to have a full-time career, trying to be a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a colleague, there is a lot of guilt of trying to be everything to everyone," </p>
<p>There can be negative health and relationship implications too.</p>
<p>But it’s this messiness; the conflicting emotions, the duality of reality, the moments in between milestones that truly make up a life. There’s no escaping it and most of the time we wouldn’t want to, but that doesn’t mean that at times it doesn’t make you want to scream into a pillow. </p>
<p>Despite this, women included in a<a href="https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0157469#pone.0157469.ref006"> study</a> entitled <i>‘Working Sandwich Generation Women Utilize Strategies within and between Roles to Achieve Role Balance’</i> felt passionately that trying to achieve and maintain the balance of being a mother, carer and worker, aka the juggle, was a central life goal; it made them feel good about themselves. </p>
<p>Interestingly the women all shared the same, if not very similar strategies for achieving this. </p>
<p>Managing time and energy is obviously crucial, as it would seem is mindset and motivation, here common themes include focusing on living with integrity, being the best you can, doing what you love, loving what you do, remembering why and searching for signs of success.</p>
<p>There were five strategies shared in the study however, that really spoke to us. That we felt cut straight to the heart of what is <i>really</i> needed, in the moment. Because this is where we, as friends, sisters, daughters, partners, can really show up for the ones we love when life happens. They were:</p>
<p><b>Maintaining Health and Wellbeing, AKA, finding time for self.</b></p>
<p>You can’t fill from an empty cup, and you can’t hold it all together if you don’t look after yourself, first. A bath. A walk. A run. A podcast. Eating healthy, nutritional meals and getting a good night’s sleep. </p>
<p><b>Reimagining Perfection.</b></p>
<p>You’re not superhuman, and that’s ok. Releasing unnecessary expectations of themselves allowed the women in the study to overcome feelings of guilt and resentment, instead fostering a sense of contentment in their decisions. </p>
<p>Let’s normalise this. Please. </p>
<p><b>Releasing Responsibility.</b></p>
<p>9 times out of 10, someone else could do it. Asking for help is of course, much harder than it sounds (<a href="https://wearethehelpful.com/blog/asking-for-help/">we explore why here</a>), but by loosening their grip and delegating select jobs to others, for example their partner, the participants freed up their own time and energy. </p>
<p><b>Nurturing Social Connections, and by extension, sharing the load.</b></p>
<p>The power of your Inner Circle; the lasting, resilient, life affirming relationships that see you through life’s moments, milestones and meltdowns. </p>
<p>Recognising the significance of these relationships, the women in the study actually prioritised opportunities to chat and talk things through with friends, often combining it with exercise, a play date, or similar.</p>
<p>And these social connections, more specifically the psychological benefits of caring affectionately for others, foster a sense of reciprocity, a collective desire to share the load.</p>
<p>Really interesting though, was <i>how </i>the load is shared; instead of the linear you-scratch-my-back-I’ll scratch-yours approach you might as first assume, it's better described as an intricately woven collective. As one woman shared:</p>
<p><i>“Life works in a way that you don’t necessarily get direct help from the person that you’ve helped… It may be someone else that’s giving you help and you’re helping someone else, but it all irons out in the long run.”</i></p>
<p>The Inner Circle working together, harmoniously, as one living entity. </p>
<p>So, what does this collective look like in action? And how can you actively support your inner circle with these strategies (and be supported in return)? </p>
<p>We imagine this… </p>
<ul><li>Someone picking up the kids from school, so you get an extra hour to finish that proposal and <i>feel good</i> about the work you’ve done. </li></ul>
<ul><li>Or someone organising a food delivery, so you can spend some quality time being <i>fully present</i> and connecting with your kids with a slightly reduced mental load. </li></ul>
<ul><li>Perhaps sending a cleaner around, to tick that one thing off the never ending to do list?</li></ul>
<ul><li>Maybe it’s a homemade pie dropped off by a friend earlier that day, because they know you’re going to be pushed to get a healthy meal on the table. </li></ul>
<ul><li>Arranging a playdate, to ensure you and your kids get some quality time with the important people in their lives.</li></ul>
<ul><li>Booking a manicure <i>and </i>arranging childcare, giving you some much needed alone time, and a chance to feel like YOU again. </li></ul>
<ul><li>A journal, skincare or beautiful, nourishing tea to prompt them to take 5 minutes out of the day for themselves (and to remind them that they are being thought about and cared for).</li></ul>
<ul><li>Embracing the chaos and normalising an 'imperfect' house, messy buns and releasing guilt (the more we do it, the more we'll do it).</li></ul>
<ul><li>What about just spending time with them? Proper, present, phones-away time?</li></ul>
<p>This is why We Are The Helpful, a curated gifting marketplace offering help, not just stuff, exists; to ensure that no one in our inner circle, or yours, ever feels like they're doing it alone. </p>
<p>We couldn’t exist without you – it's your real life stories and experience of what actually helped in those moments that informs every gift on our site. </p>
<p>If you have a story you’d love to share, we’d love to hear from you. </p>
<p>Drop us an email at kate@wearethehelpful.com and we’ll talk, soon.</p>
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But, what helped? Kate's story on loss and motherhood |
<p><em>“I was so busy being a mum, I didn’t have time to be a daughter.”</em> <br></p>
<p><em>Words by Rebecca Mackay Miller </em></p>
<p>Working so closely with Kate to build her vision for We Are The Helpful, we talked more intimately about her experience of losing her Mum than we might have otherwise. Her words were as ever poignant, honest, and reflective, but this simple, disarming phrase struck me as so universally relatable. </p>
<p>We all wear so many hats, but what happens when those hats become incompatible, and you’re forced to choose just one? </p>
<p>Here, our Founder Kate, share’s her own story, and what really helped her through. </p>
<p>Kate had already planned to go home to Australia for Christmas. Her brother knew, but she’d been planning to surprise the rest of her family. This came crashing down the moment Kate learnt that her beautiful Mum had been unexpectedly diagnosed with an unexpected form of Cancer. Within 2.5 months, she would be gone.</p>
<p>Flights already booked; in less than a week she was with her family but, unable to take the time off work, her husband had to stay in the UK. Alongside the uncertainty and utter heartbreak, Kate was solo parenting and bearing the weight of shielding her 3 year old daughter from the heaviness and heartache alone. </p>
<p>In the weeks that followed “every day was a new worst”. </p>
<p>Kate’s time was spent in and out of the hospital. Routines were unpredictable and scattered, headspace non-existent. Her body hurt, her hair started falling out, she wasn’t sleeping or eating properly, if at all and if they weren't free-flowing, tears were always just under the surface. </p>
<p>As a Founder, Kate made promises she couldn’t keep, which impacted her confidence. She missed calls from friends and family because she just couldn’t deal with another conversation about what was going on, which in hindsight only contributed to a very real sense of isolation. </p>
<p>Not hearing from people was the worst of all though.</p>
<p>“My life got smaller” Kate shared. Everything beyond her daughter, mum, and immediate family was put on hold.</p>
<p>“To be honest, I felt selfish at times“, she confessed. This sense of being a burden or inconvenience is all too common, but in truth, as Kate later reflected, “everyone WANTED to help me, but I didn’t know how to ask for or accept it.” This is a theme we explore in more depth, here. </p>
<p><b>In the end it was the way her Inner Circle showed up for her, that got Kate through. </b></p>
<p>“I admitted to my sister in law that I needed help, and she was so happy to help look after my daughter whenever I needed.” Because of all of the change and stress around them, Kate had worried this might make her daughter Rosie anxious, but she had the best time, “she probably needed a break from me!” she laughed. </p>
<p>Her oldest friends rallied too. A massage was booked, childcare arranged. A girlfriend gave up her own hair appointment for Kate and nourishing skincare gifted which all “just made me feel human again, and gave me few precious hours to myself.” </p>
<p>Fresh, healthy frozen meals were delivered, along with good quality protein powder and green supplements to ensure that when it was needed, there was nourishing food in the cupboard. </p>
<p>Gifts of books and toys ensured there was plenty of love and attention on her daughter and allowed for pockets of self-play. </p>
<p>Words, so often overlooked in these moments, helped too.</p>
<p>“Hearing from people who’d experienced something similar made me feel less alone and were a powerful reminder that this is a part of life.” Random silly stuff also played a role “there’s nothing like a well-timed meme to jolt you out of your current reality and into a funnier one, even if just for a moment.”</p>
<p>So, what did the experience teach Kate, I asked her. </p>
<p>“That there really is nothing like your Inner Circle”. </p>
<p>What Kate realised during their last get together before she flew back to Scotland, was that even though she was the reason they were all there, it wasn’t just about her; her friends needed it too. The simple act of spending quality time with the people you love the most really is everything. </p>
<p>And when life happens, if you do nothing else, tighten your grip on your Inner Circle, and don’t let go.</p>
<p></p> |
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Asking for help; why is it SO hard? |
<p>As the Founder of a Helpful Gifting business, the irony of this question is not lost on me.<br></p>
<p>Since my daughter was four months old, I’ve been designing, researching, and developing We Are the Helpful. </p>
<p>Mostly, this has been from the perspective of a friend, a daughter or sister wanting to better show up for the ones we love during life’s big, and not so big moments, to ensure that they’re never doing it alone.</p>
<p>But there’s another side to this coin, and I’ve recently learnt that it’s the harder side; being the one who desperately needs, but can’t find the words to ask for, or even muster the brain power to discern what kind of help you need, let alone graciously accept it.</p>
<p>It’s not just me; life is busier than ever. As a society, we’re overwhelmed. The mental load is high, down time rare, and burnout caused by the chronic stress of having too many demands and not enough resources, is on the rise. </p>
<p>In her article “How to ask for help”, Clinical Psychologist Debbie Sorensen shares that this often comes down to the sense that we no longer have access to the kind of social support that would ease the load. The Village no longer exists. </p>
<p>Yet as humans, we’re literally wired to engage in acts intended for the benefit of others. Arguably, this is what enabled our success as a species. Why then, if our biology prepares us for just this, is it so hard to ask for help, and receive it? </p>
<p>“For many of us, the tendency to not ask for help has been strongly reinforced over time” continues Sorenson. The cultural norms we live by shape how we feel about reaching out in times of need. </p>
<p>According to <a href="https://michiganross.umich.edu/faculty-research/faculty/wayne-baker">Wayne Baker, PhD</a>, faculty director of the Centre for Positive Organizations at the University of Michigan’s Ross School of Business, “most Western societies are very individualistic; self-reliance is the leading principle”. Of course this can serve us well, but too often we take it too far. </p>
<p>By contrast, in more collectivistic, community driven societies, for example in Latin America, leaning on your inner circle is completely normal, in fact according to Pooja<a href="https://www.self.com/story/how-to-ask-for-help"> Lakshmin, </a>CEO of <a href="http://www.gemmawomen.com/">Gemma</a>, a digital mental health platform for women “it’s just part of the social contract.” </p>
<p>So how do these cultural constructs impact us on a personal level, and stop us (and the ones we love) asking for help in the moments we really need it? </p>
<p>Research by <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/09567976221097615">Sage Journals</a>, revealed two poignant insights. Firstly, we tend to underestimate others’ willingness to help, and dismiss the fact that it actually feels good to help. </p>
<p>Secondly, we completely overestimate how inconvenienced people would feel to be asked (truth bomb, they won’t be; in most cases if people can’t help, they’ll lovingly say so).</p>
<p>These assumptions, or limiting beliefs, go on to fuel: </p>
<ul><li><b>Self-criticism</b>: telling ourselves that asking for help means we’re incapable, weak, or lazy for not being able to do it yourself.</li><li><b>Insecurities about how you’ll be perceived</b>: that people will think less favourably of you, or that you’re a burden. </li><li><b>Self-sacrificing beliefs</b>: that you should put the needs of others before your own.</li><li><b>Overestimating the likelihood of rejection</b>: the belief that no one would want to help – ‘why would they?’</li></ul>
<p><b>BUT these fears have been comprehensively debunked by academics. In fact, research shows that we’re wired for the opposite.</b></p>
<p>Research by <a href="about:blank">Jon Jecker and David Landy</a> found that asking for help from someone may actually increase the bond between you, an insight reinforced by the fact that, despite our fears, vulnerability is actually perceived as strength by those around us. </p>
<p>Not surprising, when considering (as revealed in this <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5532453/">study</a> by neuroscientist Tor Wager and his colleagues) that we have a brain circuit dedicated specifically to empathic care, aka the positive feelings that motivate us to help others, which – and this is the interesting bit - is connected to areas of the brain involved in rewarding activities like food and sex. </p>
<p>As Summer Allen writes for <a href="https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_biology_prepares_us_for_love_and_connection">Greater Good Magazine</a> “by incentivising our ability to feel warmth and care in the face of another person’s suffering, activation of this circuit encourages acts of selflessness and compassion.”</p>
<p>So, asking for and accepting help actually deepens our social connections. </p>
<p><b>Which is useful because we can’t do it all, alone. </b></p>
<p>Studies by psychologists James Coan and David Sbarra suggest that when we choose (consciously or otherwise) not to connect with or lean on those around us, we shift our focus inwards, which leads to distress, poor health, and lower achievement (hello burnout). </p>
<p>When our lives are rich in social connection, however, we feel we can take on the world and are <a href="https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/social_connection/definition#why-practice-social-connection">happier, healthier, and more successful</a> as a result. </p>
<p>As Daniel Goleman writes in his book <i>Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships</i> “Resonant relationships are like emotional vitamins, sustaining us through tough times and nourishing us daily,”</p>
<p>So, if the benefits of doing so are clearly so great, how can we start to be more comfortable with asking for and receiving help, and encourage the ones we love to do the same when life’s ups and downs inevitably happen to them too? </p>
<p>Inspired by Sorrenson’s article “How to ask for help”, here’s what we would do:</p>
<ol><li><b>Acknowledge that asking for help can be uncomfortable but trust that it’s an important skill.</b> The subsequent support you gain will quickly outweigh any discomfort you felt in asking. Plus, like anything it’s a muscle, the more you do it, the easier it will get.</li><li><b>Check your assumptions about asking for help.</b> Self-criticism, concerns about how someone will see you, or beliefs that no one will want to help are almost always unfounded.</li><li><b>Consider who in your inner circle to ask.</b> Think about who has the skills, ability or time to help you in the way you really need. </li><li><b>Consider the best time to ask.</b> The reality is they’re exhausted too, while they’ll undoubtedly be happy to help, be mindful of asking when they are too stressed out or tired. </li><li><b>Feel the fear and do it anyway.</b> Notice any fear, anxiety or shame that arises, label the emotions, summon your courage, and ask anyway.</li><li><b>Be honest, candid and clear.</b> If you’re not sure what to say, try opening with ‘I’ve been struggling with ____. would you be willing to ____?’ If you’re not sure exactly what kind of help you need, ask if you can talk it through together.</li><li><b>If someone agrees to help, let them – and receive it gratefully.</b> Relinquishing control can feel scary, but you know you can’t do it all on your own. </li><li><b>Get comfortable with people lovingly saying no.</b> Don’t assume the worst about why someone turned you down. Getting help often requires asking several people.</li></ol>
<p>In my own experience, asking for and accepting help has brought me closer to those around me. Deepening the relationships we have and has also further opened the door to allow greater honesty and a reciprocity of deeper sharing. </p>
<p><b>It’s this exchange that allows entry into the most exclusive club on earth, your inner circle.</b></p>
<p><b>Sources:</b></p>
<ul><li><a href="https://www.self.com/story/how-to-ask-for-help">https://www.self.com/story/how-to-ask-for-help</a></li><li><a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/09567976221097615">https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/09567976221097615</a></li><li><a href="https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-ask-for-help-without-discomfort-or-apology">https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-ask-for-help-without-discomfort-or-apology</a></li><li><a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/001872676902200407">https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/001872676902200407</a></li><li><a href="https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_biology_prepares_us_for_love_and_connection">https://greatergood.berkeley.e...</a></li></ul> |
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The Art of Showing Up |
<p>It’s 2024. </p>
<p>The gifting industry is booming (the UK market alone is valued at £10 billion) yet overwhelm, loneliness and isolation are at an all-time high. It’s harder than ever to show up for ones we love in meaningful, impactful ways and as individuals, we’re more disconnected than ever before. </p>
<p>Somewhere along the way we’ve lost sight of what really matters, what really helps during life’s big and sometimes not so big moments. And it's impacting how we as a society respond to each other in times of need. </p>
<p>I intend to uncover why as I journey in pursuit of what I’m coining “The Art of Showing Up”. </p>
<p>Or to put it differently, how to ensure that you never find yourself saying “I wish I knew how to help” again, and our inner circles, aka the people we love the most, are NEVER ever doing it alone.</p>
<p>I don’t yet have the answers. But I have started my research. </p>
<p>In fact, I’ve spoken to hundreds of women, just like you, who each generously shared their stories, their lived experiences, and candidly revealed what actually helped them through. (Spoiler – it wasn’t ‘stuff’ ordered from a generic gifting site. In many cases it wasn’t purchased at all).</p>
<p>As I’ve gathered insights, listened to stories and collected anecdotes, I’ve compiled a list of all the ways in which we can show up for each other which ensure we feel seen, heard and supported.</p>
<p>In time I intend to formalise my findings through four key pillars: How to Show Up, When to Show Up, What to Show Up With, and How to Ask For help. </p>
<p>But for now, to start, I share with you this… </p>
<p>T<b>he Art of Showing Up – a manifesto in the making: </b></p>
<p><b>Inner circle, not the masses.</b></p>
<p><i>The ones you love the most, the handful of people who know you inside and out, who look after you when you’re too busy looking after everyone else. </i></p>
<p><b>Moments, not milestones.</b></p>
<p><i>Birthdays, Anniversaries, Holidays, Promotions, Loss, Heartbreak… These milestones punctuate our weeks, months, years, lives… but cumulatively they do not make a life. Life happens in the moments in between, in the day to day, when no one else is looking. This is when we show up.</i></p>
<p><b>Help, not just stuff.</b></p>
<p><i>We know our inner circle intimately and intuitively understand what they really need in that moment. We never settle for generic, but-this-is-what-we-do-stuff, when what they really need is support, or time, or words, or presence. </i></p>
<p><b>Ease, never add. </b></p>
<p><i>Flowers need tending. Stuff needs somewhere to live. We only ever add items to the to-do list, if we tick something else of, or make space elsewhere. </i></p>
<p><b>Perfection, reimagined. </b></p>
<p><i>In celebration of the real woman, not the superwoman. The one who acknowledges she can’t do it all and doesn’t have to. The one who learns how to ask for help, to offer help, and graciously receive it. </i></p>
<p><b>Well-timed words.</b></p>
<p><i>The 8 minute voice notes, the ‘I-just-need-to-rant’ texts, wise words shared just when you need to hear them, sometimes when no words are spoken at all – heartfelt, honest, real exchanges that give so much more than a generic gift ever could. </i></p>
<p><b>All you need is less. </b></p>
<p><em>There is beauty in simplicity, and simply being together. Phones away, attuned, presence. Sometimes, showing up just means showing them that you are there, and that you see and hear them. </em></p>
<p><strong>Connection is our life force</strong></p>
<p><em>We all need it more than we know; connection with others literally keeps us healthy. Mentally, emotionally and physically. And spending quality time with the ones we love is a life raft. Walks, saunas, swims, coffee dates, nights out, playdates - it's magic.</em></p>
<p>If you’d like to join me on this journey and have a story to tell that could help us shape and curate the gifts that get to the heart of what’s needed when life happens most, then we’d love to hear from you. Get in touch here and we’ll arrange a time to talk. </p>
<p>This is for you, for me and for the ones we love the most so that we’re never doing it alone.</p>
<p>Kate x</p> |
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Our Brand Story |
<p><b>The world didn’t need another gifting site, it needed something helpful. </b></p>
<p>We’ve all been there - witnessing someone we love suffer through an overwhelming time and because of distance, or schedules, or kids, or work, or even just life, not being able, or not knowing how to show up for them in the way you know they so desperately need.</p>
<p>Flowers or ‘stuff’ (let’s be honest the only options the internet offers up) just won’t cut it, and despite the time you’ve put into searching for something better, you’re left feeling like you’re just not doing enough. </p>
<p>Well, we’ve had enough of this. And we’ve made it our mission to ensure that no one in our inner circle, or yours, ever finds themselves asking “I wish I knew how to show up” again. </p>
<p>So instead, we asked a different question…</p>
<p><b>How can we make the gifting industry a little more……Helpful? </b></p>
<p>We Are The Helpful is a curated gifting marketplace offering help, not just stuff, built on the real stories and lived experiences of what actually helped when life happened, told to us by you. </p>
<p>It’s gifting, reimagined. Because the world didn’t need another gifting site, it needed something better. </p>
<ul><li>Better than gifting industry dictated milestones (you won’t find us marketing to those)</li><li>Better than marketing to the masses, when the ones that really matter are our inner circle</li><li>Better than the obvious, impersonal, tick-box gifts that have become the norm</li><li>Better than overwhelming, time consuming, impossible to navigate marketplaces </li><li>Better than selling you stuff, when what you really need to gift is support </li></ul>
<p>We Are The helpful, and we’re in it together, always. </p> |
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But, what helped? Rebecca's story on moving house and the family juggle |
<p>Rebecca has mastered the art of figuring sh*t out. Resourceful, deeply contemplative, and innately attuned to her surroundings, I was intrigued to hear her story of moving into the dilapidated house she and her husband are also restoring. <br></p>
<p>It wasn’t what I expected. </p>
<p>So here we are, ‘unpacking’ Rebecca’s experience, and what really helped her through it. </p>
<p>“From the moment I saw the view of the hills through the side of the house, it was like my nervous system took a deep belly breathe and exhaled”. </p>
<p>Rebecca wasn’t intimidated by the damage, the damp, the lack of plumbing or electricity or the windows that needed replacing… “It was our house, and that was that.” </p>
<p>Her husband is an architect, so they threw themselves into it. Little did they know that the actual renovation would be the easy part. </p>
<p>Despite the initial high, things spiralled quickly. Surveys revealed tens of thousands of pounds of unanticipated work, accompanied by extortionate quotes from contractors. Cost of living exploded; their outgoings increased exponentially. </p>
<p>Alongside this, Rebecca’s business and mental health collapsed, which meant relying solely on her husband’s salary and spending money that should have been set aside for the move, just to live. </p>
<p>5 months in, with no exchange in sight, they were exhausted “we were running on empty, financially and emotionally” she shared. Add a barrage of aggressive and threatening behaviour from the vendors, they almost gave it up. </p>
<p>When finally, they did complete, they then couldn’t move in “the builders just said no” she laughed. Without a school place for their daughter in their new town, she had no choice but to rent somewhere in London, while her husband focused on getting the new house liveable. </p>
<p>That milestone should have brought relief, but it didn’t. Essentially now living apart, the dynamic of their relationship completely shifted. “Out of necessity we had to divide and conquer, but it cost us our sense of togetherness.” Emotions ran high, tempers fired. </p>
<p>Their daughter felt it too, and her behaviour spiralled. “I wasn’t prepared for how disruptive this part of the journey would be for her” Rebecca reflected. “My role in this was to keep it all together, to keep everyone ok, but we were all suffering, I failed over and over again”. </p>
<p>What struck me most during our conversation was Rebecca’s ‘othering’ of her own emotional needs. On reflection, she recognises that she was already severely burnt out before they even started this process which ultimately pre-empted the collapse of her business and fuelled her anxiety. </p>
<p>But at the time, all she could see were her own failings. “The financial hardship which was the root of so much of this was technically my doing, but I was also the one holding it all together emotionally, I had no real support of my own.” </p>
<p><strong>So, what would have helped, I ask?</strong></p>
<p>Practical stuff to ease the mental load would have been amazing; healthy pre-made meals (especially when they were sans kitchen), activities that would have kept Arabella occupied for an hour. Beautifully scented candles made the new space feel like home. </p>
<p>“But really, I just needed to feel seen” Rebecca shares. This resonated. </p>
<p>Like a lot of us, she kept much of her experience to herself. Partly, because she wanted to spend the limited time she had with friends in a positive space, detached from her actual reality. Partly because she felt so privileged to be renovating such a special property, but mostly, because the pain was invisible, and it just felt so hard to articulate. “All this just added to the sense of being in it, on my own”.</p>
<p><strong>But it’s <i>when</i> this support would have been helpful, that most interested me. </strong></p>
<p>Looking at the timeline of the move, it wasn’t once they were in (“my family were amazing”), it was the moments leading up to it, the unplanned periods of change and amidst the mounting financial pressures, where the stress was masked by the thinly veiled excitement, that she really needed to feel seen and supported.</p>
<p>“But” she smiles, “we made it.”</p>
<p>9 months and two different rentals after their offer was accepted, they moved in. “It was a glorified squat” Rebecca laughed. The house was nowhere near done; it was filthy, no bathroom, no kitchen, piles of rubble, tools everywhere… but finally they were exactly where they wanted to be. </p>
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How to tell if someone in your inner circle is struggling with sleep (and some tips to help them), with Sleep Expert Jade Zammit |
<p><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-size: 16px;">When our loved ones are struggling in sleep, some are more open about it than others. For many, they don’t want to show the struggle and try to keep it to themselves, making it harder to see if they truly are struggling.</span></p>
<p><strong>Here are some signs you can look out for:</strong></p>
<ul><li>They are cancelling plans more often; often when we are suffering in sleep deprivation we become more isolated, anxieties peak and we disassociate ourselves more.</li><li>They comment on the lack of sleep they are having</li><li>Their self care has taken a hit, they feel and look exhausted, as if they are in survival mode.</li><li>Their mood swings are showing more, more irritable, more emotional or stressed.</li><li>Signs of post natal depression; many mums suffering in this can’t sleep when baby sleeps either.</li></ul>
<p><strong>Here are some helpful questions you can ask to offer that conversation up;</strong></p>
<ul><li>Are you sleeping enough?</li><li>What time were you two up this morning?</li><li>If the little one is a due a nap, you could ask; Do you want to catch up on sleep too</li></ul>
<p>Do try to avoid the “are they a good sleeper?” question! Many parents feel some judgement in this to them or their little one and often will close right up instead! Try to offer more open questions to allow them to open up about what is going on. Once you can get a feel them you can start to ask if they need support.</p>
<p>For those struggling in sleep – they may feel that they should be handling things, but it really is ok to be feeling the complete opposite. Asking for support or at least opening up to someone can feel like a huge weight lifted. It takes away that feeling of isolation too. Every parent in the world will have sleepless stories to tell, but sharing it with others can bring positive impacts for their mental health. Seeking support – is a fantastic step. You’ll never feel alone in it and get guidance to support your whole family, to allow you to be the parent you need to be.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p>
<p>We know that sleep is a big deal for those of us with young families, so we've partnered up with award winning sleep consultant, Jade Zammit, who is here to help your loved ones sleep. As any parent will testify, the gift of sleep in the ultimate luxury - you can check out Jade's gift packages on We are The Helpful today.</p> |
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